I think I challenged myself a lot this GPS trip when I had to work with people. I generally really like the team, it's filled with very energetic and passionate people that I'm very thankful that I've gotten the opportunity to work with. But being an innately introverted person, sometimes I struggle with people on a whole because I tend to loose a lot of energy when I'm around people for too long and I get very frustrated very easily.
Working with people as I've always maintained for a while, has always been some of the greatest pains and joys of the pre-trip and of the trip. I got very frustrated having to mingle with group dynamics and tiny cliques that formed/ already existed within the group. I guess I was placed in a spot when I joined Cebu in OSL and GPS having no closer friends along with me. I think I would have just clung onto the said best friend for everything and not interacted much with everyone else, becoming exactly what I found the most frustrating. And I also found it very difficult to negotiate with people that I assumed were not pulling their weight during the pre-trip preparations and during the trip itself. I thought I was being pragmatic I suppose, I assumed that if we followed to what was the marker and criteria wanted that we would get our 'A' just like in our report books and be on our merry-way.
I re-learnt that when talking and interacting with people, there has to be the level of 'love' involved. When I mean love, I mean love in the holistic aspect, the love between brothers or sisters where understanding, acceptance and patience is involved. Even when the said brother or sister does things to annoy you or even hurt you, you move on from that and accept the person for who they are because everyone ultimately has a place and a role to play; it is also ultimately not up to us to decide whether they are of worth as well or not. And even when someone does something to hurt you, whether intentional or not, you have the strength to be the better person and move on from that.
I guess I was not very comfortable too, sharing parts that were very private and intimate to me with people that, although I schooled with, would never really want to let into myself. I guess I've always been wary of people and their words. Part of me does not want to admit that the friendlier exterior of me is a very big ruse that I use to divert people from my more private me. I think I've always been afraid of judgement and even know as I'm about to tell my teammates about my life, part of me still holds back. And to that I wonder why.
I did try to share things that really changed me when it came to my 6 milestones, but I didn't really go very deep into how it made me feel and I could feel the barrier that I put up between myself and everyone else when I shared with them, which is quite ironic really because I felt even more distant from my team mates than closer to them. I could empathize and relate to their sharings, but I think I wasn't truly being genuine with mine.
But it is honestly not because I've never been exposed to group sharings, because I have. But I think its the prior instances when I did share something very private and personal to me and that sharing was later used against me to blackmail me, in addition to a person telling me midway through my sharing that what I said was redundant and pointless even though it really meant a lot to me just made me feel very sad (I would use anguished but that's a bit too dramatic) inside
Seeing how everyone was very open and truthful even on the first night did help to break down a lot of fore-mentioned barriers and hesitations about opening up and being vulnerable to other people. But I think part of me that still holds back in terms of sharing with other people is just the fear of being judged and the fear of not being good enough that still plagues me very much even today.
I don't think I learnt anything new about people, but rather re-learnt it and remembered how to treat people right even though they may not appreciate it. I remember now that the people matter as much as the ideal and one cannot be compromised for the other. I also know now that I can apply this to when interact with everyone else in school and that I think I can move on from prior bad experiences when dealing with people.
Working with people as I've always maintained for a while, has always been some of the greatest pains and joys of the pre-trip and of the trip. I got very frustrated having to mingle with group dynamics and tiny cliques that formed/ already existed within the group. I guess I was placed in a spot when I joined Cebu in OSL and GPS having no closer friends along with me. I think I would have just clung onto the said best friend for everything and not interacted much with everyone else, becoming exactly what I found the most frustrating. And I also found it very difficult to negotiate with people that I assumed were not pulling their weight during the pre-trip preparations and during the trip itself. I thought I was being pragmatic I suppose, I assumed that if we followed to what was the marker and criteria wanted that we would get our 'A' just like in our report books and be on our merry-way.
I re-learnt that when talking and interacting with people, there has to be the level of 'love' involved. When I mean love, I mean love in the holistic aspect, the love between brothers or sisters where understanding, acceptance and patience is involved. Even when the said brother or sister does things to annoy you or even hurt you, you move on from that and accept the person for who they are because everyone ultimately has a place and a role to play; it is also ultimately not up to us to decide whether they are of worth as well or not. And even when someone does something to hurt you, whether intentional or not, you have the strength to be the better person and move on from that.
I guess I was not very comfortable too, sharing parts that were very private and intimate to me with people that, although I schooled with, would never really want to let into myself. I guess I've always been wary of people and their words. Part of me does not want to admit that the friendlier exterior of me is a very big ruse that I use to divert people from my more private me. I think I've always been afraid of judgement and even know as I'm about to tell my teammates about my life, part of me still holds back. And to that I wonder why.
I did try to share things that really changed me when it came to my 6 milestones, but I didn't really go very deep into how it made me feel and I could feel the barrier that I put up between myself and everyone else when I shared with them, which is quite ironic really because I felt even more distant from my team mates than closer to them. I could empathize and relate to their sharings, but I think I wasn't truly being genuine with mine.
But it is honestly not because I've never been exposed to group sharings, because I have. But I think its the prior instances when I did share something very private and personal to me and that sharing was later used against me to blackmail me, in addition to a person telling me midway through my sharing that what I said was redundant and pointless even though it really meant a lot to me just made me feel very sad (I would use anguished but that's a bit too dramatic) inside
Seeing how everyone was very open and truthful even on the first night did help to break down a lot of fore-mentioned barriers and hesitations about opening up and being vulnerable to other people. But I think part of me that still holds back in terms of sharing with other people is just the fear of being judged and the fear of not being good enough that still plagues me very much even today.
I don't think I learnt anything new about people, but rather re-learnt it and remembered how to treat people right even though they may not appreciate it. I remember now that the people matter as much as the ideal and one cannot be compromised for the other. I also know now that I can apply this to when interact with everyone else in school and that I think I can move on from prior bad experiences when dealing with people.
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